I didn't know it could be so hard, and nothing like any experience I had ever heard or read about.
I just read a post on a blog (called “Born To Be a Bride” - I won’t even get in to that title...) about the wonderful bliss it is to become a mother and love a child. And although I could never argue the sentiment, because becoming a parent is special and life changing in the best way possible, I just could not relate to the blog at all, and my experience was NOTHING like it. AndI know many moms (and dads) have stories more like mine and less like hers, which prompted me to write my version.
So, here goes.
I was given the same advice as this mother about what to expect, how hard labor would be, how much my life would change etc. But here is what I didn’t know: some babies are high needs. “All babies are high needs” HAHAHAHA no, no they are not. If you actually have a high needs baby, you know what I am talking about. You probably know EXACTLY what I felt reading that article. If you think I am a debbie downer and have a negative view of mommy hood and you cannot relate to this article, then you do not have a high needs baby=) You have a typical baby, or what hn parents refer to as a unicorn.
First off her concern with being sexy two weeks after having a baby, was something I had not even considered at 12 months post partum so…we are two different species- but she was able to get into her pre-preggo jeans in 6 weeks so, crisis averted. I barely ate…I didn’t have time or energy to worry about food and I am still nursing 18 months later. I still have my “baby weight” and all I did was nurse and walk around with him in my arms for months.
This mom cried because she was happy and needed tissues and waterproof eyeliner as she shed tears of joy holding her bundle of beauty and sleepy eyes. I cried because my child slept only 4 hours a day, instead of the average 18 hours a day and I was exhausted and worn out and I didn’t do anything but nurse him for 5 months, and I don’t think I wore eye liner until his first birthday…at least.
I do love my husband more, because we have been to battle together and survived, barely. We “bickered” for MONTHS about what to do about sleep. We spoke of nothing but sleep, if people called me, I literally had nothing to say except, "I am sorry I have nothing to talk about except sleep" I was definitely a broken record. We went to counseling with our 7 month old in our arms and we spoke to a family counselor about our obsession with sleep/lack thereof. We needed sleep, so we stopped going because we would rather sleep than sit and talk about it. We didn’t have the time to worry about being sexy. And it really wasn’t important, sleep was. Keeping the baby happy was what was important for us and it was the only way to survive.
This mom and her hubby spent quality time being goofy driving around the city while her precious bundle slept in the backseat. I do not know what that is like, at all. I would have loved to have a baby that could sit in a stroller, or a car seat, or a swing for 30 seconds without crying to be picked up. It happened for us…ten times maybe where our son was not screaming his head off in a stroller or carseat. “Take him for a car ride” everyone said. He SCREAMED bloody murder in the car, no matter how tired he was or how long I drove. We did not want to "spoil" him and make him needy, so we tried all suggestions to hold off and comfort without picking up so quickly...ha. ha. ha. He was much smarter than we were. And that strategy only works for some babies, not mine.
He has to be standing in his stroller, or he is screaming 95% of the time. (and
My son wasn’t colicky…he had no fussy time. His fussy time was ANY time he wasn’t held, nursing, or rocking. Any attempt to move him or place him in a swing or cot produced the same screaming result.
At 4am while she woke to nurse her sweet baby, she cried tears because this time was fleeting, I cried tears of despair and exhaustion. I cried because there was no end in sight. I cried because I had already been up 6 other times that night…and I am not talking about having a newborn…I am talking about my son up until now, at 17 and 18 months. I have begged for peace and tranquility and silence and yes every now and again I cuddle him and realize he won’t be small forever and that these moments are fleeting, and I marvel over his tiny hands, but in the seconds just before or just after, my brain is begging me for a time where he just sleeps and doesn’t cry and is content and happy all day, without being held. I WISH I could only have moments of wishing he would stay small, but mentally I need to remind myself that he will grow up and that some day I will look back and appreciate his small-ness. This other mom was able to revel in it all along, because she wasn’t sleep deprived and anxiously awaiting her baby’s next wake up before 5am. She savored her baby’s “newbornness”, while I constantly wondered what on earth was going on and when would it cease!
She went out and got her nails done…I’m sorry, what is that like? Ain’t nobody got time for that! =) I realize all situations are different, some people are surrounded by loving families and friends to give you dates and breaks and your hubby can easily watch the child. Not in my case. My son nursed constantly…we had lactation consultants up the wazoo. I couldn’t send my son to the nursery when he was 3 days old (I finally caved and asked for a break after not sleeping 4 days) he was returned 15 minutes later saying he was cluster feeding (huh?) so I should continue to room in. He continued to cluster feed for 5 months, at least.
MY son has one wonderful set of grandparents..and they work and live an airline flight away and have only been able to see him 3 times for long weekends and once when we all flew to England for Christmas. My son was 6 months old and didn't sleep either flight...to EUROPE and back he didn't sleep. Nor did he sleep the two hour drives at night to and from Boston Logan. This kid...but I digress. My point is, we have never had family giving us a break or a date or more importantly a nap. We have had paid help a few times but only 3 dates out in 18 months (for a couple hours because it isn't worth staying out late knowing you will be up all night). He didn't know anyone but us until we found his current (fabulous) daycare lady 2 months ago. She is pretty good with dealing with his "demanding" attitude!
So this blogger mom looked back on her old self and was sad she had yet to meet her daughter. I yearned for just 5 minutes to just be the old me again. For no other reason than to feel what it is like to just be me, for a moment, rested, and stress free. I used to be called a "positive vibe technician" always cheering people up and pretty much always smiling and happy. Things change when you are exhausted and do not see an end in sight. love my son, he is amazing and 18 months is seriously the cutest age EVER! He is walking and talking and cracking us UP! But I cannot change what I had for his first year.
At least 10 people came to visit us at the hospital for the announcement of his name and gender. After that hour, I didn’t have any other visitors in my 4 days there. I didn’t have any visitors in my house for months. We tried to take him out (born in summer) and get him used to sleeping places. We tried to go hang out with other parents, have playdates, make parent friends. But our son was different. While other babies were falling asleep in their high chairs at parties (true story) my son didn’t sleep anywhere. “So alert”, “what wide eyes”, “he doesn’t want to miss a minute” were constant reminders he was not going to sleep. At just weeks old I spent 10 hours with a friend whose baby was 3 days older than mine. My son didn’t sleep a wink, hers was not awake the whole visit…she had to WAKE HIM to feed him…I couldn’t imagine. This kind of oddity seemed to happen each of the few times I dragged myself out and into a car full of screams to be with real people and it was so discouraging and disappointing. Fast forward weeks and months, and I didn’t leave the house anymore. It wasn’t worth it. It became isolating and lonely but less stressful at the same time (if you can imagine). We did it alone, no family or friends to help, some offered, but they wouldn’t have known how to handle him…he wasn’t like their children at all and it was so stressful hearing him scream when someone did hold him for a minute. Again, not worth it.
Guess Which is mine =)
when he is 10 pounds…(nope)
when he is 12 weeks, 12 weeks is like magic for babies…(nope)
at 4 months, most babies sleep much longer at 4 months…(nope)
when you give him formula..(nope tried it for days..no change)
when you give him cereal…(nope)
once you put him on acid reflux meds..(nope)
once he can sit up…(nope)
once he starts solid foods…(nope)
once you sleep train…(nope- we used 5 professional sleep consultants and changed pediatricians hopeing for some sleep help!)
once he starts crawling he will be so tired…(nope)
if you play music…(nope)
if you put a light projector in his room…(nope, in fact that means PARTY TIME!)
if you try the jumberoo…(nope)
in the carseat…(nope and hahahaha hell nope)
once he is more mobil/walking…(nope)
once you try daycare…(nope)
So here we are. We have tried everything that has been suggested…we have utilized 5 sleep consultants. We have tried vacuums, music, hair dryers, swaddles, shooshing, pick up put downs, sleep lady shuffle, CIO (for a week we agreed to try this with our 10 month old and again 15 months olf..no improvement and he cried between 4-5 hours..pure torture and mommy self hating) SO no…our newborn experience was NOTHING like this lady..she does not have a hn baby in my eyes, probably a typical baby that has regular needs that come before mom and dad, but not high needs.
I found a support group on Facebook for parent of fussy babies when mine was 17 months old, I wished I had found it when he was 4 weeks old, when I really started to see that he was “high maintenance” as we called him, compared to babies his age.
We have survived and it gets better everyday.
I breathe a little now, I have started to work a little (for myself doing photography) while he is at daycare, and this has DEFINITELY made me realize (again) that there is no way I would have been able to work for someone during his first 18 months. Most days he is awake 1-3 times a night for 2-4 hours. I am exhausted...all the time. I would have been late to work, I would have needed sick days, and I would not have been able to concentrate on any task even after a good night (which would be 2-3 wakes for only 30 minutes each). Not exactly model employee and it wouldn't have been fair to anyone.
The blog I am referring to can be found here: http://borntobeabride.com/2015/01/09/they-shouldve-warned-me/